Hmm. Next steps???

[Moordown66]

I was adopted as a baby, but die to a bizarre chain of events, I've
prettrecently come across the details (address/phone) for a brother I didn't
know I had.

I've made no effort to contact anyone ever...mother, family etc but am now
quite intrigued. I don't want 'counselling' or anything like that, and can't
afford to pay anyone to do anything on my behalf !

What would anyone on here do next? I have to assume he may not even know I
exist ! Ideas please.........

[Robin Harritt]

Post by Moordown66
I was adopted as a baby, but die to a bizarre chain of events, I've
prettrecently come across the details (address/phone) for a brother I didn't
know I had.

What?!! Just like that?!! Completely out of the blue?!!

Post by Moordown66
I've made no effort to contact anyone ever...mother, family etc but am now
quite intrigued. I don't want 'counselling' or anything like that, and can't
afford to pay anyone to do anything on my behalf !

It's the searching bit that can be expensive. If you already have his
address and phone number, why would you need to pay anyone to do anything?
If you wanted to use an intermediary to brake the ice, that wouldn't
necessarily cost you anything.

Post by Moordown66
What would anyone on here do next? I have to assume he may not even know I
exist ! Ideas please.........

I don't know, I'd like to hear the rest of the story before I'd pass
opinion, but based on what you've said so far, I'd say consider leaving it
until you've grown up a bit..

Robin

[Moordown66]

Robin,

I thank you for your reply, but I'm a little offended by your tone. I will
give you the benefit of the doubt and will assume that causing offence was
not your objective.

As I stated earlier, it was due to a bizarre chain of events. Where exactly
did I say "just like that", or "completely out of the blue?"

Perhaps your interpretation skills desterted you when you replied to my
note. I fail to see why exactly why I should "consider leaving it until I've
grown up a bit." I'm very grown up thanks. Very grown up indeed.

I asked a genuine question hoping to receive a little advice/support about a
difficult subject. If I had wanted to read condescending remarks on a topic
(defined or otherwise) I could have gone out and bought myself a copy of the
Daily Mail.

If you (or anyone else) have anything constructive to offer I look forward
to hearing it.

Thank you.

Post by Robin Harritt

Post by Moordown66
I was adopted as a baby, but die to a bizarre chain of events, I've
prettrecently come across the details (address/phone) for a brother I didn't
know I had.

What?!! Just like that?!! Completely out of the blue?!!

Post by Moordown66
I've made no effort to contact anyone ever...mother, family etc but am now
quite intrigued. I don't want 'counselling' or anything like that, and can't
afford to pay anyone to do anything on my behalf !

It's the searching bit that can be expensive. If you already have his
address and phone number, why would you need to pay anyone to do anything?
If you wanted to use an intermediary to brake the ice, that wouldn't
necessarily cost you anything.

Post by Moordown66
What would anyone on here do next? I have to assume he may not even know I
exist ! Ideas please.........

I don't know, I'd like to hear the rest of the story before I'd pass
opinion, but based on what you've said so far, I'd say consider leaving it
until you've grown up a bit..
Robin

[Robin Harritt]

Post by Moordown66
Robin,
I thank you for your reply, but I'm a little offended by your tone. I will
give you the benefit of the doubt and will assume that causing offence was
not your objective.
As I stated earlier, it was due to a bizarre chain of events. Where exactly
did I say "just like that", or "completely out of the blue?"
Perhaps your interpretation skills desterted you when you replied to my
note. I fail to see why exactly why I should "consider leaving it until I've
grown up a bit." I'm very grown up thanks. Very grown up indeed.
I asked a genuine question hoping to receive a little advice/support about a
difficult subject. If I had wanted to read condescending remarks on a topic
(defined or otherwise) I could have gone out and bought myself a copy of the
Daily Mail.
If you (or anyone else) have anything constructive to offer I look forward
to hearing it.
Thank you.

You are asking someone to tell you how go about doing something that could
have a huge impact on someone else's life maybe many other people's lives.
You are doing so at time when policy makers are deciding whether or not to
make it an indictable offence to give advice on adoption issues on
newsgroups such as this, unless they are registered as ASAs. Let's all try
and look as though we are reasonably responsible adults. And not get the
whole place closed down.

To give any considered advice it would be necessary for me to know a little
more of what a "bizarre chain of events" refers to and you may not wan't put
that on an open facing newsgroup. Before I'd say much more I'd have to have
a real name or traceable e-mail address for you (that is an e-mail address
on your ISP account, one that can be traced to a real physical address,
presumably one not all that far from NTL's Luton - cable headend) not a
disposable Yahoo address.

You don't, just "come across" the address and telephone number of a
brother you didn't know you've got. How you did come across that information
might make a very big difference to how you go about making contact (or
not).

You really should be talking to someone from the social services department
or adoption agency that arranged your adoption or the social services where
you now live (Bedfordshire SS and Hertfordshire SS are good at this sort
of thing esp Beds. Luton Social Services are not very good at this sort of
thing because its director is a bit of a ....). I doesn't cost you anything
to talk to them and it isn't counselling in the sense that you are probably
thinking, counselling just means advice and support in this case. At the
very least you should consider using an intermediary to make first contact.

If you can't see why that is the right thing to do, then my original advice
stands, leave it until you've grown up a bit. It's about having a mature and
responsible attitude not about chronological age.

Robin

[watching]

Post by Moordown66
As I stated earlier, it was due to a bizarre chain of events. Where exactly
did I say "just like that", or "completely out of the blue?"

I think (Robin will correct me if I'm wrong) that if you were adopted
prior to a certain date in the 70's that you HAVE to have counselling
if you want to get hold of a copy of your original birth certificate.
This is the only real way of finding out for sure who your birth
mother was. It may or may not include the name of your birth father.

From what you say you've never done any searching so won't have a copy
of your original birth cert. In my opinion you would be doing yourself
no harm to go through the procedures to get hold of your birth cert
and having some counselling as part of that may be more useful than
you think. At the end of the day they'll only be giving you advice.

My local authority provided my counselling, which was very informal
and more useful than I expected. They also acted as an intermediary,
which I found very helpful. Without them I may not have met my birth
mother.

If you get your birth certificate you can then verify more easily that
your "brother" is really your brother. He may also need some
counselling if he was unaware of you.

This whole issue is very very emotionally charged, and you would do
well to try and think carefully of how others may feel before you go
any further.

I'm not trying to offend you, I've been put into a bad situation due
to the fact that my adoptive sister was too immature (at 32 years of
age) to handle the outcome of her own searches.

See my earlier post or go to a blog I set up at
http://beingwatched.blogspot.com to see what I mean.

BW

[Robin Harritt]

Post by watching

Post by Moordown66
As I stated earlier, it was due to a bizarre chain of events. Where exactly
did I say "just like that", or "completely out of the blue?"

I think (Robin will correct me if I'm wrong) that if you were adopted
prior to a certain date in the 70's that you HAVE to have counselling
if you want to get hold of a copy of your original birth certificate.
This is the only real way of finding out for sure who your birth
mother was. It may or may not include the name of your birth father.

In theory, if you were adopted before the 12th of November 1975 you should
have counselling before you can have the information that would make it
possible for you to obtain a copy of your original birth certificate. But of
course many people already know that information, because they have been
told their original name by their adoptive parents or have found paperwork
with it on. Adoptive parents always were given a copy of the Adoption Order,
see http://robin.robin.org/ao

The people who drafted the 1975 and 1976 legislation didn't do their
homework on previous law. So what we ended up with was very poor
legislation. And it doesn't look as though it has improved very much this
time around. What is needed is for counselling to be available when it is
needed by whoever needs it. Making it compulsory for a few now necessarily
28+ year olds because of some imaginary piece of past law, whilst a 16 year
old in Scotland may have access with no counselling at all, really does show
how pathetic the people making these laws are.

Post by watching
From what you say you've never done any searching so won't have a copy
of your original birth cert.

He wouldn't necessarily need it if he has a copy of his AO.

Post by watching
In my opinion you would be doing yourself no harm to go through the procedures
to get hold of your birth cert and having some counselling as part of that may
be more useful than you think. At the end of the day they'll only be giving
you advice.

I think it would be a good idea to talk to someone at social services or an
adoption agency or post-adoption support organisation such as NORCAP or
After-Adoption or the Post Adoption Centre.

Post by watching
My local authority provided my counselling, which was very informal
and more useful than I expected. They also acted as an intermediary,
which I found very helpful. Without them I may not have met my birth
mother.
If you get your birth certificate you can then verify more easily that
your "brother" is really your brother. He may also need some
counselling if he was unaware of you.

Well if you were going to use an intermediary to make the first contact then
you would need to be able to provide all the certificates to prove the
relationship. But you wouldn't necessarily have to have counselling to do
that.

Counselling isn't really the right word for it, because people confuse it
with psychiatric counselling which it is not.. You might well benefit from
going through all the old files with an adoption social worker even if
you're not obliged to.

Post by watching
This whole issue is very very emotionally charged, and you would do
well to try and think carefully of how others may feel before you go
any further.

You should take care how you go about things, make sure you're fully
appraised of any other information you should have from the files, before
you jump in both feet fist and find you're in at the deep end without a
float.


Robin

[Moordown66]

Believe me.........I'm not a feet first jumper ! I wear a pair of braces
just in case my belt buckle fails !!!

Post by Robin Harritt

Post by watching

Post by Moordown66
As I stated earlier, it was due to a bizarre chain of events. Where exactly
did I say "just like that", or "completely out of the blue?"

I think (Robin will correct me if I'm wrong) that if you were adopted
prior to a certain date in the 70's that you HAVE to have counselling
if you want to get hold of a copy of your original birth certificate.
This is the only real way of finding out for sure who your birth
mother was. It may or may not include the name of your birth father.

In theory, if you were adopted before the 12th of November 1975 you should
have counselling before you can have the information that would make it
possible for you to obtain a copy of your original birth certificate. But of
course many people already know that information, because they have been
told their original name by their adoptive parents or have found paperwork
with it on. Adoptive parents always were given a copy of the Adoption Order,
see http://robin.robin.org/ao
The people who drafted the 1975 and 1976 legislation didn't do their
homework on previous law. So what we ended up with was very poor
legislation. And it doesn't look as though it has improved very much this
time around. What is needed is for counselling to be available when it is
needed by whoever needs it. Making it compulsory for a few now necessarily
28+ year olds because of some imaginary piece of past law, whilst a 16 year
old in Scotland may have access with no counselling at all, really does show
how pathetic the people making these laws are.

Post by watching
From what you say you've never done any searching so won't have a copy
of your original birth cert.

He wouldn't necessarily need it if he has a copy of his AO.

Post by watching
In my opinion you would be doing yourself no harm to go through the procedures
to get hold of your birth cert and having some counselling as part of that may
be more useful than you think. At the end of the day they'll only be giving
you advice.

I think it would be a good idea to talk to someone at social services or an
adoption agency or post-adoption support organisation such as NORCAP or
After-Adoption or the Post Adoption Centre.

Post by watching
My local authority provided my counselling, which was very informal
and more useful than I expected. They also acted as an intermediary,
which I found very helpful. Without them I may not have met my birth
mother.
If you get your birth certificate you can then verify more easily that
your "brother" is really your brother. He may also need some
counselling if he was unaware of you.

Well if you were going to use an intermediary to make the first contact then
you would need to be able to provide all the certificates to prove the
relationship. But you wouldn't necessarily have to have counselling to do
that.
Counselling isn't really the right word for it, because people confuse it
with psychiatric counselling which it is not.. You might well benefit from
going through all the old files with an adoption social worker even if
you're not obliged to.

Post by watching
This whole issue is very very emotionally charged, and you would do
well to try and think carefully of how others may feel before you go
any further.

You should take care how you go about things, make sure you're fully
appraised of any other information you should have from the files, before
you jump in both feet fist and find you're in at the deep end without a
float.
Robin

[Moordown66]

Thanks

This was more the sort of advice I was looking for. As stated in my original
note, I'm fully aware of the implications. Fully aware. I also know my birth
mothers name (and mine) as I have always been party to it.

I was not asking anyone to tell me how to go about doing something that may
have a huge impact on someone elses life. Perhaps I didn't put this across
clearly enough. That was not the sort of advice I was seeking...but I can
assure you, both my mental and physical maturity are fine.

But thanks for the replies nonetheless...and I'm miles from Luton ! No idea
how I appeared on that headend - and not using a proxy. Wierd.

Post by watching

Post by Moordown66
As I stated earlier, it was due to a bizarre chain of events. Where exactly
did I say "just like that", or "completely out of the blue?"

I think (Robin will correct me if I'm wrong) that if you were adopted
prior to a certain date in the 70's that you HAVE to have counselling
if you want to get hold of a copy of your original birth certificate.
This is the only real way of finding out for sure who your birth
mother was. It may or may not include the name of your birth father.
From what you say you've never done any searching so won't have a copy
of your original birth cert. In my opinion you would be doing yourself
no harm to go through the procedures to get hold of your birth cert
and having some counselling as part of that may be more useful than
you think. At the end of the day they'll only be giving you advice.
My local authority provided my counselling, which was very informal
and more useful than I expected. They also acted as an intermediary,
which I found very helpful. Without them I may not have met my birth
mother.
If you get your birth certificate you can then verify more easily that
your "brother" is really your brother. He may also need some
counselling if he was unaware of you.
This whole issue is very very emotionally charged, and you would do
well to try and think carefully of how others may feel before you go
any further.
I'm not trying to offend you, I've been put into a bad situation due
to the fact that my adoptive sister was too immature (at 32 years of
age) to handle the outcome of her own searches.
See my earlier post or go to a blog I set up at
http://beingwatched.blogspot.com to see what I mean.
BW

[Robin Harritt]

Post by Moordown66
Thanks
This was more the sort of advice I was looking for. As stated in my original
note, I'm fully aware of the implications. Fully aware. I also know my birth
mothers name (and mine) as I have always been party to it.
I was not asking anyone to tell me how to go about doing something that may
have a huge impact on someone elses life. Perhaps I didn't put this across
clearly enough. That was not the sort of advice I was seeking...but I can
assure you, both my mental and physical maturity are fine.
But thanks for the replies nonetheless...and I'm miles from Luton ! No idea
how I appeared on that headend - and not using a proxy. Wierd.

I'm told that NTL Luton Headend feeds customers back in this direction at
least as far as Hertford and no doubt does so similarly in other directions,
which is why I mentioned Bedfordshire and Hertfordshire social services,
might even extend to Northants and Bucks. It is of some importance if you
are asking for advice. One needs to know where you are to advice you where
you might seek assistance from i.e. which social services or adoption
support agency.

Robin